Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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