i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
