Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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