So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have feelings that need drinking.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
