Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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