i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
