dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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