My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up under a house in Key West
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