if i died would you start the facebook group?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
