Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
