is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
