I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
