I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
