So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
