the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
