Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
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