If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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