I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
