How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
