He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
