please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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