Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
