Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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