and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
