Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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