hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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