STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
