I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
