wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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