so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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