Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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