i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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