so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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