Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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