I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
