Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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