There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
