Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
