I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
