At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
