You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
