I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
