is your mom at the bar?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
