I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
