I want to have your abortion
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
