i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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