she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
