he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
