suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
