Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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