just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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