He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
