im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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