I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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