you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
