apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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